Saturday, April 19, 2014

Learning to change

I hate being sick. 

Growing up, I felt pretty healthy.  Occasionally, I would get to stay home from school because I was sick, and if someone in my family caught a nasty bug, I generally got it, too.  But I never thought of myself as a sickly person. 

For the last several years, though, my health has been declining.  My roommates often commented on how often I said I was tired.  And I was tired constantly.  Every couple months, I would have a week or so where I felt just sick.  I went to the doctor to see what was wrong, and though I learned things to help me be healthier, I never learned what was making me sick.

For the last couple months, I have been sick almost every other weekend, if not more frequently.  No, all you well-meaning people out there,  I’m not pregnant, though you would have no idea how many people have asked recently because I keep getting sick, and how badly I wish that were the case.  All I know is that I am very physically weak.  And more than I hate being sick, I hate being weak. 

This past couple months, I have felt almost frantic in trying to figure out what is wrong with me.  There is so much that I want to do!  I don’t want to disappoint people, but I feel like it keeps happening. 

Jordan is so sweet, though.  Whenever I start to feel frustrated (which can be pretty often) he says, “Do what you can do, and don’t do what you can’t do.”  Simple, right?  Well, it used to make me really mad.  I wasn’t really hearing what he meant, because in my mind, I should be able to do ALL the things I “needed” to do.

It took some time, but I am starting to understand what he meant.  Do what I can do, but don’t worry about what I can’t do.  And then be happy.  So, I work as much as I can, and when I can’t work, I find something that I can do.  One thing that has helped me recently is knitting.  It’s not much, but I feel better if I am doing something when I am feeling sick. 

The other day while Jordan was working, I talked with my mom about this.  She told me that we perceive life as a box.  We try to fit our lives into this box just like everyone else.  Everything is okay so long as we are in that box.  Sometimes our lives take a detour out of the rules of the box, and we have to learn to change our perspective. 

The other day I saw a video on Facebook that talked about all that was possible because of the Savior, Jesus Christ and His atonement.  If you have a minute, watch it here. 
I realized that He doesn’t care if I am sick or not.  He won’t be disappointed in me.  And not only that, but through Him I can learn to either overcome this illness or grow despite it.  I don’t care which one it is, I am just grateful that He understands and cares for me. 

This life is not the end.  I don’t have to be perfect right now.  I just need to keep trying each day, and I need to learn to choose to be happy, despite my circumstances.  God is in control, and I trust that He has a much better plan for my life than I can see.  

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