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Friday, May 23, 2014

Another week in the life of a sick-o

 This week has been interesting.  On Monday, I locked myself out of my apartment while Jordan was at work, which meant that I needed to find something to do for five hours until he got home.  My younger brother had recently bought a dog, so I decided to walk the dog while I visited my sister-in-law.  I’m not sure how far I actually walked that day, but it was probably close to five or six miles.  Not too bad, right?

Well, it wiped me out.  I spent the next day watching Netflix because I was so tired from the day before.  Wednesday wasn’t much better.  Jordan and I went to visit his family, and his parent’s closed on a new house, which meant they were moving in to it that day.  Because of my excursion on Monday, I was still very weak.  I watched the nieces and nephews so that the other adults could focus on unpacking. 

Needless to say, I felt like a waste of space by the time we headed home.  Being the second oldest and growing up on a hobby farm means I am used to working hard.  Not only had I not been able to help move boxes into the new house, but I was embarrassed that my in-laws had seen me when I was “sick”.  I still don’t know what is wrong.  And I’m not getting better.

That night, Jordan talked to me about all the blessings that I have.  He reminded me to “do what you can do and don’t do what you can’t do.”  It’s wonderful advice, but it’s infuriating because my list of things that I can do keeps shrinking.  I’m not working, I’m barely staying on top of chores at the home, and I haven’t been able to get my garden started yet.  It’s almost too late for that, and it was what I was most excited for this summer. 

Yesterday was better.  Not because I felt better physically, but because I felt calmer about where I am.  I had felt silly for “only” being able to watch the kids while everyone else unpacked.  But that was a necessary part of the process so that the others could work without worrying about children under their feet or disappearing into the new neighborhood.  Not only were the kids being watched, but I was able to interact with them, to play with them, and to show them just a little bit more how much I loved them.   It was not an obvious “work” that I performed, but it was work and it was good. 

My worth is not measured by how many things I can accomplish in one day.  Worldly measurements cannot really measure the worth of a soul.  They try to, and they fail miserably.  I am not my grades, or my house, or my income.  I am Kylie Maria Lawson, and I am a daughter of God.  And I am okay.  

I need to remember that I don’t have to do this on my own.  I need to let the Savior into my life.  I need His love, or I can’t take the heat and pressure of life.  It is only through Him and His atonement that I am even alive today.  I would be pathetic if it weren’t for Him.  He helps me lift myself up when I just want to give up.  He helps me open my eyes to new perspectives and ideas, and he lifts my heart when I can’t seem to do it myself.

I am not alone.  I don’t ever need to be.  

Saturday, May 17, 2014

My dog, Lord Voldemort

Jordan and I had been watching KSL like hawks for a small dog that was reasonably priced when we found Morty.  Through perfect luck, the owners were going to bring him to Kaysville the same day Jordan was going there instead of the 14 hour round trip it would have been.  We decided to name him Morty, which is short for Lord Voldemort.  We thought it was clever.  Ha!   

He is the cutest dog in the entire world!  A McNab Decker terrier cross, he was small, mostly black with a white nose, paws and stomach, with brown patches over his eyes.  When we got him, he was 3 months old.  That night, we took him for a walk to the temple and back, a good 2 mile walk.  It was obviously his first time on a leash, but he caught on quick.  Since he walked faster than us, he’d walk a ways then wait until we had just passed him, then start walking again.  He did that over and over again, and it was so cute.  

He cried a little bit at bed time, and at 2 in the morning.  Jordan took him out then, but Morty wouldn't fall asleep.  Finally, I curled in front of his kennel and he stopped barking.  The floor isn't very comfortable, though, so I fluffed my blanket and put that in front of him and climbed back into bed.  Since he thought I was right there with him, he didn't cry again all night long.  It was lovely.  

The next morning, I took him for a walk around the block.  Even though he was young, he was the perfect jogging buddy, and stayed with me perfectly.  However, when we got home, I tried to get him to come play with me on the lawn.  He panicked, and pulled me towards the door of our apartment.  I didn’t hesitate to follow him.  That morning was the first time I was prompted to to be extra careful due to some unknown danger.  He was my first cue. 

Our apartment didn’t allow dogs, so we had to take him to my parent’s house the next day.  They agreed to watch him until we moved into our next apartment, which would let us keep him in the yard.  When we would go to work, we’d stop by after and play with him, though my sisters were able to spend much more time with him than I was. 

We took him to a park next to the river, and he was perfect!  Without a leash, he explored all around us, but would follow us without hesitation. 

Morty loved to chew on things.  We weren’t sure if it was because he was teething or not, but he couldn’t stay in my parent’s house for long due to this habit.  He was so small that a cord tied to a small chunk of a cinder block would keep him in one area.  Eventually, he was moved into a kennel with one of the my parent’s puppies. 

Jordan loved to get him to howl.  We’d gather in a circle around Morty and howl, and he’d freak out.  First, he’d run in circles around us, then bark and on a rare occasion howl for a second or two.  It wasn’t very often, but it was so cute, because he was so eager to do what we were doing.  From the get go, he enjoyed being with people much more than with other dogs.  With my parent’s dogs, he tried to act much bigger than he was.  If a person came outside, though, he’d run up to them and jump straight up in the air beside them, bouncing until they said hello.  If they ignored him, he’d just keep going.

I tried to teach him how to play fetch.  He was really good at chasing ANYTHING that I threw, whether it was a handful of grass or a branch.  It was the rest of the game that he didn’t understand yet and that I was trying to teach him.  He never growled at me, though, and once I caught him, he would drop whatever it was so that I could throw it again.

I was planning on going to my parent's while Jordan worked on Wednesday.  As I got everything ready that morning, I felt very strongly that I should stay in Logan, though I didn’t get an answer to why I should.  At one point, I remember opening my phone and seeing the picture with Jordan and Morty that I had as my screen saver and feeling so very happy that he was my dog. 

While I was at my brother and sister-in-law’s house, my mom called to tell me that Morty had died.  In trying to get out of his kennel, he had gotten tangled in some bailing twine, and she had just barely found him.  And like that, my dog was gone.

I kept crying after I found out.  Jordan was super confused by my reaction because we hadn't had Morty for very long at all.  I guess I was sad because I didn't have a chance to care for him like I had planned.  He was going to be my running buddy, and I was going to teach him all sorts of tricks, and I was so excited that Jordan and I were going to have our own dog and I would have something to care for and hold, even though Morty was terrible at cuddling.   

Today, I feel a calm that I wasn't able to feel immediately after.  It was an accident.  I don't have to feel silly for crying.  I feel strongly that Heavenly Father knew it could happen, and warned me to not be there when it did.  As much as it hurts that Morty died, it would have been much worse if I had been the one to find him.  I don't think that God caused this.  We live in a mortal world where good and bad things happen.  God knows me, and helped me be in a place where my pain would be less.

I have a couple pictures of Morty, but I can't figure out how to get them off my phone.  (I'm not a very tech savy person, just ask Jordan or my brothers.)  I'll post them on here as soon as I can so that you can see just how cute He was. 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Chapter 2: Reality

Jordan went on a two week long vacation after my first month working at the nursery.  During that time, I started working in the production greenhouse, which meant that I was working by myself.  I went from talking for hours a day to not talking at all, and it was a hard transition!  But, I fell in love with my job.  It was hard work sometimes, but I didn’t mind.  The days didn’t feel terribly long, and even though it was really hot some days being in a greenhouse in the middle of the summer, I realized that I had the right job and I had chosen the right degree for me.  Besides, Jordan would be home soon, and then everything would go back to normal. 

When he came back, things did not go back to normal.  His parents had him paint a mural up by the retail area of the nursery while I stayed in the production greenhouses at the back of the lot.  We didn’t carpool as often, either.  One day, after a week of confusion on my part, he came back to chat with me on his break and ended up working with me for the rest of the day. 

While we worked, we talked about dating frustrations.  Then Jordan told me about a girl he was interested in and how he was trying to ask her on a date.  That someone wasn’t me.  I kept a straight face, though, and was able to talk about it with him.  And then he had to keep being cute!  While we were looking for plants, he found and caught a baby killdeer, then brought it to me so I could take a picture.  We carpooled that day, and on the drive home he sang along with the music.  I just focused on not crying in front of him, and I’m proud to say I was able to contain my emotions. Barely, but I did it. 

For the first time in a really long time, I had actually let myself love someone.  And he didn’t love me back.  It hurt SO bad and for the next month I did what I could to stop loving him.  My parent’s encouraged me to look for someone else to date, I avoided him, and I prayed a lot.  I was surprised when the answers I received were to keep loving Jordan, whether or not he loved me back.  That’s how God is.  He loves all of His children, no matter how they feel about Him.  So, I let myself love Jordan, even though it seemed like nothing was going to come of it. 

The rest of the summer, I would work by myself then came up to the main building for lunch with either Jordan or one of the other employees.  I made more friends and learned to be around Jordan without too much embarrassment.  Even though I didn’t see a relationship coming from our friendship, I loved spending time with him, and I loved him.  It was different from when I first met him, because I wasn’t expecting him to love me back.  I just loved Jordan for who he was.  It didn’t hurt as much.  And it didn’t feel as na├»ve, either. 

I am so grateful for that time.  Not only did I learn more about Jordan and build a stronger friendship, but I grew to understand God’s love as well.  He loves us unconditionally, regardless of how much we return that love.  I also knew that God answered my prayers, even though I didn’t receive the answers I was expecting.