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Friday, May 23, 2014

Another week in the life of a sick-o

 This week has been interesting.  On Monday, I locked myself out of my apartment while Jordan was at work, which meant that I needed to find something to do for five hours until he got home.  My younger brother had recently bought a dog, so I decided to walk the dog while I visited my sister-in-law.  I’m not sure how far I actually walked that day, but it was probably close to five or six miles.  Not too bad, right?

Well, it wiped me out.  I spent the next day watching Netflix because I was so tired from the day before.  Wednesday wasn’t much better.  Jordan and I went to visit his family, and his parent’s closed on a new house, which meant they were moving in to it that day.  Because of my excursion on Monday, I was still very weak.  I watched the nieces and nephews so that the other adults could focus on unpacking. 

Needless to say, I felt like a waste of space by the time we headed home.  Being the second oldest and growing up on a hobby farm means I am used to working hard.  Not only had I not been able to help move boxes into the new house, but I was embarrassed that my in-laws had seen me when I was “sick”.  I still don’t know what is wrong.  And I’m not getting better.

That night, Jordan talked to me about all the blessings that I have.  He reminded me to “do what you can do and don’t do what you can’t do.”  It’s wonderful advice, but it’s infuriating because my list of things that I can do keeps shrinking.  I’m not working, I’m barely staying on top of chores at the home, and I haven’t been able to get my garden started yet.  It’s almost too late for that, and it was what I was most excited for this summer. 

Yesterday was better.  Not because I felt better physically, but because I felt calmer about where I am.  I had felt silly for “only” being able to watch the kids while everyone else unpacked.  But that was a necessary part of the process so that the others could work without worrying about children under their feet or disappearing into the new neighborhood.  Not only were the kids being watched, but I was able to interact with them, to play with them, and to show them just a little bit more how much I loved them.   It was not an obvious “work” that I performed, but it was work and it was good. 

My worth is not measured by how many things I can accomplish in one day.  Worldly measurements cannot really measure the worth of a soul.  They try to, and they fail miserably.  I am not my grades, or my house, or my income.  I am Kylie Maria Lawson, and I am a daughter of God.  And I am okay.  

I need to remember that I don’t have to do this on my own.  I need to let the Savior into my life.  I need His love, or I can’t take the heat and pressure of life.  It is only through Him and His atonement that I am even alive today.  I would be pathetic if it weren’t for Him.  He helps me lift myself up when I just want to give up.  He helps me open my eyes to new perspectives and ideas, and he lifts my heart when I can’t seem to do it myself.

I am not alone.  I don’t ever need to be.  

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