When we are baptized as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we are given the gift of the Holy Ghost and promised that as we fill our lives with the things of God we can always feel the Holy Ghost. Some people feel the Holy Ghost as a warm, burning feeling in their heart. Some people cry. Some people get goose bumps on their arms. A friend of my mom’s giggles when she feels the Holy Ghost. It’s different for each of us.
For me, I feel the Holy Ghost as a feeling of peace when I am afraid. I feel Him as specific thoughts and ideas when I am searching for answers. Sometimes it’s a name of someone I should serve, sometimes it’s the impression to avoid a situation where I may be in danger.
During the summer that Jordan and I met, I worked two different jobs: one was the internship where we met and the other was a job working with machines. It’s not super fancy, but it ended up helping me get me through college.
One day, I was alone at work. The music on my computer was playing on shuffle, and I realized that it had repeated a song from an opera depicting Jesus’s Christ’s atonement. As it played the song, I thought about the line when Christ said, “Not my will but thine be done”, and I thought about goals that I had made recently to not run away from hard things, to ask for “mountains to climb”.
"Will you say that?" ran through my mind. It was a prompting from the Holy Ghost, in regards to the phrase, “Not my will, but thine be done.” I prayed to know God’s will, and realized that He wanted me to marry, soon. And He wanted me to marry Jordan. Throughout the summer, I had received prompting after prompting to be with Jordan, to love him, to never give up, and to forgive him for hurting me, even though he had no idea that he had.
The cool thing is that I didn’t have to choose this path if I didn’t want to. God has given us all the ability to make our own decisions in life, and it’s beautiful! He wants us to come back to Him, but He will never force us. So in essence, Heavenly Father had shown me a path that He wanted me to take, and was asking if I would take it or not. He could see everything that would come from that choice, while I could only see the fact that Jordan wasn’t interested in dating me. Terrifying? Most definitely. Exciting? Duh.
I said yes.
That August and September, I was confused and scared and nervous. I didn’t know how to let Jordan know I wanted to date him without freaking him out. I went for a walk by the Logan LDS Temple, because I always felt calmer there. As I walked around the grounds, I worried and I prayed. Then, I felt the words, "Do you really think I cannot do this? Do you really think I can’t make this work?" And I could have sworn I heard thunder, even though there wasn’t a storm.
I realized that I had chosen to fear instead of choosing to believe. Fear is not from God. Instead of remembering the miracles I had already seen in my life, I saw only the things I thought were hard and impossible. All those miracles were not my doing, they were God’s. So why not now, too? I just needed to believe and then do my best. God wouldn't give me a commandment without helping me accomplish it.