I've hit a wall on knowing what to write about for my blog. In an attempt to not bore you to death, I wanted to write a different post in between each "chapter" of our story. But I don't know what to write about.
Honestly, I have felt very confused lately. All my life, I have believed what I have been taught in church. It has never been hard for me to believe. If I was confused, I would pray and search the scriptures for an answer and I always found one. I'm not saying that now I don't believe what I have been taught. I am just confused on how I can explain it to someone without starting a fight. My church's name has been dragged through the mud by the media lately, and terrible names have been given to us because we believe differently than much of the world. Oppressive, manipulative, discriminating, judgmental. Just to name a few.
Our culture has decided that loving someone means giving them what they want now. Accepting someone as they are means refusing to disagree with anything they do. The idea that freedom of choice extends not just to our own choices but choosing the consequences as well seems to be how people think now. So to be a member of a church that has rules, has guidelines, has unchangeable doctrine given from God means that I am wicked because I'm not changing with popular culture.
Is it wicked for me to believe that marriage is divinely instituted by God and should be between a man and a woman? Is it wicked for me to be happy that I am a woman, to look forward with excitement that I can be a mother someday? Is it wicked for me to follow rules that I have prayed about and felt the Holy Ghost tell me were given to us for a reason? Is it wicked for me to uphold my beliefs? Our culture is telling me that, yes, I am wicked. Hence the confusion.
In an institute class, our teacher emphasized that we should get our answers vertically, not horizontally. Our prophet said, "It is better to look up." Are we getting our answers for hard questions from other mortal people, or are we talking with God? Do we even believe in God? Are we doing things to remember who we are and who He is each day?
I believe in God. I believe that He loves me, and I love Him. Life isn't meant to be easy. Hard, confusing times come no matter who you are or where you are. Times of confusion can be a breaking point or they can help me continue to grow and learn about my Heavenly Father and His plan. Whether or not those moments break or build me is up to me and how I search for the answers to my questions.
Sometimes, God doesn't answer our questions immediately. Sometimes it takes years before we receive the blessing that we have been searching for. And that is not a bad thing. Believe it or not, but hard times are the moments when we can draw closest to God, perhaps because we feel that we need Him the most then. In the end, God will make it all right. I believe that with my whole heart.
I may not know how to explain what I believe perfectly, but that doesn't mean that I don't believe and it doesn't mean that I hate other people who don't believe the same things.
My confusion is not completely gone, but being able to write it down and focus on what I know helps. And the best part is that I don't have to be an expert right now. This life is about growing and learning and progressing. I just have to give my all, and God will make up the rest.