As of right now, I will graduate from USU in 3 weeks, 4 days, 9 hours and 13 minutes. High school senioritus has NOTHING on college senioritus. Just saying.
Nothing has been as exciting, overwhelming, terrifying, or stretching as these last few months. I've tried desperately to stay on top of my classes, to study hard and to gain knowledge. I feel like I have finally been able to be me, flaws and all, and I have loved making and building friendships with those in my classes.
But in 3 weeks, 4 days, 9 hours and 7 minutes (times a tickin'), what will I do with my life?
I cannot convey to you how much weight I have felt as I have tried to decide how to answer that question.
At the beginning of the semester, I was particularly overwhelmed as my friends all started to talk about job and grad school applications. In the flurry of excitement and nerves, I prayed to know what I should do after graduating. I studied different graduate degrees at USU and I considered several full time jobs in my field. But as I did that, I felt a strained feeling that I was moving in the wrong direction. I asked Jordan to pray for me as well, that maybe together we could feel what would be right for me.
His answer for me was this. "You will know what to do at the end of the semester." And though it was not what I expected or wanted, I felt so calm when Jordan told me. When I remembered that and chose to have faith in God, that strained feeling went away.
It wasn't always easy, especially when my friends started telling me about the amazing job opportunities that they had found in our field. I was jealous that they knew what they were going to do. Maintaining faith that I would have a place, even if I waited until the end, was difficult and sometimes painful. But it was worth it.
I don't remember when, but recently I realized that weeks had passed without my wondering about what I would do after graduation. I started to pray again, seeing as the end of the semester was coming, and I was very curious to know what was in store. Reading scriptures and praying helps me to feel the Holy Ghost more clearly. It was while I was reading in the Book of Mormon that I had the impression that I should review the promptings I had received through the whole semester. Some of them I had written about in my journal. Others were so clear that I could write them from memory, and writing helped me to remember more that I had forgotten. This is what I learned.
- I need to follow Jordan. Of course I will go with him wherever he goes. That's kind of why we got married. More specifically, I need to be willing to let him and his career choices take us to new places.
- I need to not get a full time job. A seasonal part-time job would be okay though.
- I need to not be afraid of having children. This one is hard for me. I've struggled to have hope about carrying a child through pregnancy, and even more frequently my ability - or more correctly inability - to care for a child.
Honestly, I don't have any solid plans yet. Besides growing a garden. It's going to be beautiful. I am considering several part time jobs. I'm hoping for the day when we will have a little baby. I feel so at peace knowing that God is aware of me and my small family and is guiding us. That guidance comes even when we may not see the connection between the little answers that He is willing to give us if we will only ask. So in 3 weeks, 4 days, 8 hours and 35 minutes, when my bachelor's degree is officially complete, I can walk away with confidence in myself and my God and my future. And I am so excited.